Flourishing Today

I’ve discovered that when someone like a parent, sibling, or spouse dies, during the grief process there is a period of time where your identity is shaken, your loss is bold, and that’s all there is. The rest of your life isn’t even parenthetical, even though you know it exists: They died…

It’s like a book, where the only subject is this one huge thing and everything else isn’t even a side theme. (BTW, people who haven’t gone through this may be able to sympathize, but not necessarily understand. It’s OK.) Your job, family, relationships, school, career, friends, social life all feel insignificant to this huge monster in the center of your heart and living room. It’s not even as cute as an elephant.

Depending on the individual, this slowly evolves. You’re still “not OK” and the loss is still the theme, but you start being able to have the rest of your life, if only parenthetically: They died… (and here is something else that is going on..)

This is challenging for some, depending on how close they were to the person who died and how much is unresolved. There can be guilt associated with having a happy life, even parenthetically, while this other person is dead. Intellectually you know that the world goes on, that your life still exists and they would want you to keep living it… but there can be the fear that moving forward somehow says the person’s death doesn’t mean as much. This is fear may feel true, but isn’t. At the same time, its perfectly normal if we feel guilty anyway.

Burnt out, stressed, overwhelmed, exhausted, tired, raw, anxious, scared, unappreciated, fried.

These are words that I’ve heard women use to describe themselves over and over, in the last 5 days alone. These are words I use when I don’t take care of myself. What most women don’t know, that taking the time to be in a supportive environment with other women, actually releases chemicals in the brain that combat cortisol.

While that is great in itself, I’m into tools. It is great to go to a retreat and get recharged, I want to create spaces where people can get tools they can use in everyday life, at any time – not just while away.

So Aedan MacDonnell, Gail Thackray, Judy Louise Johnson and I have decided to collaborate on an event for women this August 7th here in Los Angeles, Rejuvenation: A Day of Opening. We’ll bring deeper connections to our relationships, connect with the future, bring the juice back to our bodies, and explore tools that bring relaxation and healing balance, back into our lives.

Since space is limited — Register before July 15th and it’s only $75 (instead of $100).

Normally, I share my processes on my blog and with clients, after I’ve come up with great tools and come out the other side.  This time I’m going to let you in before I’ve come out of the tunnel, because of the value in sharing a process while in the middle of it.  People fear they’re alone and it is comforting to know they’re not.

As some of you may know, my father just died of a brain tumor. Grief can be a powerful and devastating experience, whether you’re dealing with a death, divorce, job loss, or break-up. The only way to get past it, is to go through it and all that goes along with it. While you’re in the midst of it, it can be the loneliest experience in the world. Eventually we all experience it, its completely normal. Since I wasn’t raised in a culture with traditions around grief, as part of my process I decided to shave my head.  This was something I’d considered in the past, but this is the only time I’ve ever done it.  While it was the right thing for me to do, I suddenly discovered how much of “me” I had tied in with my hair.

It was no longer “feminine.” I’d decided that I was going to shave my hair and then go soak at Olympic Spa.  Having had short hair before I didn’t expect to feel a blow to my femininity, but there I was surrounded by women every one of whom had longer hair than I did.  It was a shock to my emotional system and I’ve never felt so vulnerable and self-conscious of being a woman in my life.

It was no longer purple + pink. If you’ve visited my webpage before, met me at events, or worked with me in the past year, you’ll remember me as having pink or purple hair.  It was a signature look that had evolved out of a long journey of discovery and self expression.  I loved my pink hair. I loved who I was with pink hair.  My branding involved working with courageous people who want to express themselves in their lives and relationships.  Having pink hair was an ice breaker and a great way to resonate with people who either had, or admired that boldness.  Now it was gone, and I was left with this… blonde??

It brings stuff up. And it’s not just my stuff. Death is a huge subject. When people are used to you having long(ish) hair, much less pink(ish) it creates conversation.  Why did you shave your head? What happened to your hair? This could be fine, if the answer is “it’s summer” or “I felt like it.”  When the answer is “my dad died” it creates a whole new dynamic.  It’s like a break in the freeway when you’re cruising along on social autopilot.  I have to decide when or how to manage it and I don’t always know how to deal with it. People asking the question don’t always know how to respond either.  Do you back away from the conversational edge, or do you jump in together?

A question from Formspring:
I am so not flourishing… (in spite of my best efforts!) what can I do?

Thanks for your question!

Flourishing is a commitment, that starts with taking small steps starting with where you’re at, gradually moving forward, and finding people in your life who will support the changes you’re choosing to make. That doesn’t mean that it is always easy, or that the positive changes are immediately obvious. There are lots of reasons why our path might get side-tracked, slowed down, or hung up.

To use a metaphor: Imagine (or remember) learning to drive — when you first start, it feels like a mess. We’re jerking on the wheel, slamming the breaks, punching the gas, and drifting all over the road.

- If you have history of people in your life who aren’t/haven’t been supporting your growth; it’s like having a negative teacher telling you the whole time “you’ll never learn to drive, what the hell were you thinking??”

- If you’re jumping around without steady actions towards change; it’s like switching cars over and over and over while in the middle of the learning process. You never get good enough at driving because you’re constantly changing cars.

According to Viktor Frankl, despair is suffering minus meaning. One of the things I know about the human brain and how we work, is that we humans are meaning making machines. We can turn anything into a moment of meaning, which then shapes how we feel about it. The meaning we put on something comes from our beliefs values, ideas, and past experiences. Someone who is afraid to be happy might believe that a moment great joy means that sorrow is around the corner. Someone who believes that their life is part of a grander purpose might believe a time of sorrow means that there is something in this time of sorrow to nurture that higher purpose.

We all want our lives to have meaning. We want to know that time we spent on this little blue ball was worth something, because we’ll never get that time back. We also want to know that struggle wasn’t meaningless and in the end we made a difference. But we don’t always know the meaning until we’re on the other side of the experience. In times like this, we can’t prove there is no meaning… so instead, move forward as if it does. Because even if you have little faith right now, could it still be that life has a larger vision for you?

We have this fear that once we settle down in a relationship and partnership, that we will end up losing ourselves. We become responsible for someone else, we put our needs on the back burner, and we stop sharing whats really important to us.  We’re caught up in whether or not we can actually make our partners happy and forget our own happiness is also crucial.  Eventually we find out that our needs have gotten left by the wayside.

If we’re lucky, we have great partners who recognize that our needs are getting lost in the dirt, but that only happens if our partners know what our needs are, and what those needs provide.  Once you know what those needs are, you have a lot more freedom, because you’re not trying to read someone else’s mind.. you can focus on what is important together, instead of guessing.

Last night I was with a friend who was deeply hurt by feeling like her boyfriend was far more interested in going off and playing with a bunch of “ADD guys who don’t get anything done on their projects anyway!” She felt that his time away was him saying she wasn’t important to him, and their relationship was at risk.  After we spent some time working this out, she realized what it was he was getting from these nights out that she could hear that her relationship wasn’t in jeopardy and what he was getting wasn’t something she wanted to provide.  “Hanging out”  and not finishing projects isn’t her idea of fun and was actually just going to be frustrating and cause more tension between them.

Seeing this, it became a blessing to have him off with the guys, because then she could go do something she loved instead.. hitting  the spa for a relaxing night! Before this realization, she would never have scheduled a night at the spa, because she would have been feeling hurt and abandoned by her boyfriend. Once she realized that this time away from her, wasn’t about him not wanting to spend time with her, it became a gift where she got to be free to have the evening in decadent relaxation instead.. and he got to go play with the guys.

Ever stop to think about the a phrase you use all the time, and go, WTF? I just had that experience with the phrase: Falling in Love. You know, that doesn’t sound so good.

I think anyone who has seen me and my boyfriend, Christian, would be quick to say that we’re pretty romantic. We’ve been accused of almost being too cute. So, I don’t think it’s an anti-romance, cynical streak that has me up against the phrase. No, I think it’s more about the actual words.

A) Fall:
–verb
1. to drop or descend under the force of gravity, as to a lower place through loss or lack of support.
2. to come or drop down suddenly to a lower position, esp. to leave a standing or erect position suddenly, whether voluntarily or not.
3. to become less or lower; become of a lower level, degree, amount, quality, value, number, etc.; decline.
4. to subside or abate.

Wow. None of that is terribly appealing, unless I’m bungee jumping, or yes.. playing with a Yo-Yo.

B) Love
–noun
1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.